i [can't] look at ((myself))

that song is stuck in my head.
"ugly" by brie larson. [love it]
no.
onto the point.
so i was reading this book last night, "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, The Real Deal: Challenges" and in each story there's, like, a question. and it's really deep.
so i'm like, "hey! let's (being i) blog about my answers!"
so here you go.
and i feel there should be a warning.
if you don't want to know what goes on in my brain/heart, don't read this.
srsly.
on we go! (:

Have you ever felt like the life you're living is a lie?
yes. i mean, i'm a pretty real person, but sometimes i can't take it. like, people expect me to be happy. i skip around wearing pink, i'm not exactly the poster child for emoness. so every once and a while i throw on a fake smile or something and pretend things are okay when they're not. that's nothing huge though, i guess. but yeah. sometimes i feel like everything's a lie. not a lot, though.

Do you think you have unrealistic expectations about the way your relationships should work out?
in a word; yes. i think that the reason i dumped tony is because i wanted my life like a fairytale. like, i felt that i'd dump him, and he'd come running to my doorstep begging for forgiveness. [obviously that didn't work out as planned.] soyeah. sometimes i have really high expectations for people, and i end up getting my hopes crushed in the end.

Have you ever had an "anxiety dream" (a dream where you're falling, drowning, failing a test... etc.)?
yeah. i have falling/drowning dreams a lot. though when i'm drowning, i can always breathe underwater, which i kinda cool. and then i always flinch in my sleep when i have those falling dreams.

When super skinny celebs like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie say they don't radically diet to achieve their slender figures, do you think they're being honest?
well let's face it; every girl thinks they're fat, at least a little. it's a problem we have. when people are unhealthily skinny, i do think they have a disorder. that, or they really don't know when to stop their diet. so yes, i do think they're lying most of the time.

Have you ever had a teacher go above and beyond for you?
yeah. at the last field trip we had, i threw up in the bathroom. all of my teachers were super caring and made sure i was okay and ms. drumm and ms. b both stayed with me to make sure i was okay. then ms. drumm and mr. parent brought me out to the car. i think it was nice.

Have you ever felt like a negative behavior or habit has taken over your life?
this one's hard. no, i really don't think so.

Have you ever ended up in the hospital because you were sick?
about a week after i was born, i had to go back to the hospital. something was wrong with my liver or something and it made my skin yellow. then i had to go under some blue light. and then once i went to the hospital because i got so dizzy i couldn't see. i don't really remember what happened with that. it was when i was, like, 3 or 4.

Many of us would rather get yelled at by our parents than be given the silent treatment. What about you?
i'm not sure. my dad, he yells really loud about stupid things. so i get yelled at a lot. i really can't stand it when people ignore me and stuff. so yeah, i'd probably pick the yelling thing.

In divorce cases, custody of children is usually given to the mom (more than 70% of the time). Why do you think that is?
well, the mom gives birth. most of the time, children are closer to their mothers anyway. so i guess that's why. although i don't know much about divorce, so i really don't have much of an opinion.

Do you think that everything happens for a reason?
not at all. i mean, really, there is no reason behind the fact that i dropped my lunch tray a long time ago. like, it slipped. there wasn't really a reason for it happening. so i don't understand why people always say "everything happens for a reason" cause it doesn't.

Have you ever become friends with someone who, years earlier, you couldn't stand?
yes. haha. my best friend, actually. in 5th and 6th grade, i never liked kara. like, she'd follow me and my friends around and talk to me all the time. i got really annoyed. but now we're like sisters. go figure. xD

Do you know how to live in the moment?
i'd like to think so. i try not to care about what other people think, and just do things when they seem right. i think it's how i want to live my life and so i do. i hope. xD

Do you ever make judgments that you find out later are totally wrong?
probably. like, i know it's super bad to label people you don't know, but i do. and it's bad to make that assumption on a person before you know them. i only do it sometimes, though. i'm trying to get better. (:

Have you ever thought about what your lifetime goal is?
yes, i've thought about it. i know for sure that i want to be happy and get married to someone i love. as for a job, i really don't know what i want to do. being an actress i'd like to do, but i'm shy. so i really just don't know about that. butyeah, my goal is to be happy and try to make others happy, too. (:

When you're feeling stressed or angry, what calms you down?
really just time. i have yet to figure out a way to rid myself of stress, still trying. xD. sometimes watching tv and being alone helps.

Have you ever not spoken up because you thought it'd hurt someone's feelings?
maybe. i probably have, which may contribute to reasons why i don't participate in class. that and i don't want to sound stupid.

Do you remember the first time you laid eyes on your BFF?
i'll tell my story about kara, then sabrina.
kara was in my girl scout troop for a few years with her friend, michelle. none of the people in our troop ever liked kara, actually. we thought she was annoying. but then i met her again in fifth grade, and we eventually became friends.
sabrina was in my fifth grade class. i sat next to sarah (who was my friend at the time), she sat in front of sarah, and frankie sat in front of me. like, the second or so day of school, we all had to find "clock buddies". at one point, me and sabrina were the only to left so we were "buddies". pretty funn. (:

Have you ever heard the words "I just don't feel the same way you do"? How did it make you feel?
something like those words, anyway. and, like, doctors say that your heart breaking is only in your head, but i think it actually happens sometimes. you know, if you get hurt enough. because when the person you like, doesn't like you back... it sucks. simple as that. and it hurts, really bad.

Do you parents ever leave you home alone with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
haha. no way. my parents give me strict instructions to stay downstairs, or if we go upstairs, they pretend to put away laundry or something, but they're really stalking us. xD

Do you know any kids at school who use drugs?
yes. well, at least i think i do. there's a kid who's ah-bviously a pothead. and i think this girl does to. i'm sure some people do. no one i'm close to,t hough... hopefully. xD

What do you think of racy t-shirts for girls with sayings on them like "hot chicks" or "baby doll"?
i mean, sometimes they're really stupid and just... stupid. other times, they just make me laugh. it's a free country, you know?

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[comments = admiration]
♥ Paige